If I were a kitty

If I were a kitty, I would look like this:

Obviously a black kitty but with straight long fur and a fluffy tail. I wouldn't look exactly like this kitty. This kitty looks a bit shocked. If I were a kitty, I would be a chilled kitty.

If I were a kitty, I lie on my back in the grass and sun myself. I would then roll around. Nobody questions a kitty when they roll.

If I were a kitty, I'd sleep where ever I like. I try to do this as a human but sleeping on top of the fridge or under the bed will be a lot easier if I were a kitty.

If I were a kitty, I would sit on the steps and watch people go by and laugh silently to myself. One day you all will worship me, all of you who don't all ready.

If I were a kitty, I would refuse to eat cat food. It makes me dry wretch as a human, it will make me dry wretch as a kitty. Biscuits are fine but I would like the chicken you're eating, oh and that mash potato looks good too.

If I were a kitty, I would have claws. I will try to sharpen them on the furniture despite the fact you bought me a $50 scratching post. I didn't ask for this scratching post. The furniture is just fine.

If I were a kitty, the places to sit would be endless. Your paperwork, magazines, clothes and keyboard/laptop are some of the most comfiest. You don't expect me to sit on the floor, do you?

The only problem would be if I were a kitty is I'd have to clean myself with my own tongue and do this several times a day, sometimes for half an hour at a time. Don't touch me just as I have finished cleaning that section of myself, I will have to do it over again.

If I were a kitty, I would hide in a place where only the dog next door will be able to see me. I would sit there and stare at it and the stupid thing will bark but to its owners it would look like it is barking at nothing and they will hopefully take that dog away. I will then jump over the fence and tip over the dog's water dish.

If I were a kitty, I would disregard the fact that you spent quite a lot of money on cat toys. The leaves outside provide hours of entertainment as well as anything else that moves. That includes your feet.

If I were a kitty, I would want to enter through the door, not through the window you opened for me. Once the door is opened, I will walk in when I'm ready. During this time, I ask for your patients because making the best entrance is very important to me.

If I were a kitty, I would not have a care in the world.